“Malky”, aka Sir Malcolm Rifkind MP QC & all the rest, made a spectacular entrance at the Scottish Parliament Festival of Politics by carpet surfing onto the stage for his entrance.
Some say he tripped over a loose tile left by Dennis Canavan. Those less charitable claimed a visit by the former Defence Minister to glad hand some ex-servicemen taking regular refreshment in the local hostelry Jenna Ha had a part in the acrobatics.
After attracting the sympathy vote for his entrance the speech was bound to be a disappointment. Never-the-less I soldiered on to provide this report.
Malky said: Tomorrow’s headline will be “Tory MP falls flat on face at Scottish Parliament”
Malky said: “War is justified as a response to serious acts of aggression” Does that include a wet fish in the face from the wife?
Malky said: “Serious genocide is a good cause for war.” Does that include all the poor people that die 15 years before the rich?
Malky said the IRA abandoned the armed struggle (I made that bit up) because they were already middle-aged terrorists and being pensioner terrorists had lost its appeal.
Then we all voted using a faulty TV remote. The results were splashed all over a big screen before voting had ended. Cack handed vote rigging displayed ten feet tall!
As we attempted to leave the Parliament ( your senior reporter gaggin’ for a restroom) two VIPs, Malky and TV star Glen Campbell, blocked our exit hugging a TV camera and demanded that the audience must freeze (play soldiers) until their pointless blether was over and their power over the people was clear.